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Not because I’ve been successful in dating (I haven’t) or because I have some sort of spiritual insight into the practice of dating (I don’t), but because I’ve tried everything from bars to e Harmony to blind dates and back again. That’s right, friends: the place you buy your used couches is where I find my boyfriends.

And as I’ve read hundreds of ads (and posted a good couple dozen myself), I like to think I have a little insight into what will — and what most certainly will NOT — get you a date.

And it really doesn’t work if you post a picture and prove yourself wrong. Oooh, you own a car and a house and a toaster and a lawn mower? We all love getting emails about how “Wow, you travel? I have totally been to every township in Pennsylvania! No one wants to discuss babies or your mother on a first date. I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT SHOUTING MOSTLY JUST MAKES US WANT TO TAKE OUR PANTS OFF. Preferably, your pants should be about to fall off. This makes you sound like a text-messaging 14-year-old girl. If you are, please stop dating on Craigslist and go make a sparkly unicorn book cover or something. It’s also wonderful if your penis is a weird color or shape.

Try posting a few pictures and let the audience play hot or not in their own heads. And they really don’t want to discuss them in a first email. This is especially lovely for those of us browsing at work (We’re not supposed to do that? Do you not know that it’s not supposed to look like a purple question mark?

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